the pelican

once more with feeling

sliding into home

winners and losers. good games and bad.

and then you know there’s that thing.

you know that thing?

the one about how you play?

yeah. that. how you play.

oh yes i love october. the smell of the leaves. the bright waning sun. the long shadows. the first snow. the damp earth. the chill in the morning. time for thicker sweaters and socks and jackets and caps and sweatshirts.

had the best crop of tomatoes and peppers this year. some hot tiny little vermillion numbers and some of those tasty great long green chiles and quite a lot of little plump sweet cherry peppers and of course oh yes of course the luscious fat juicy red round tomatoes. what a magnificent harvest this year. the best ever really. just the right combination of plants and weather and tender loving care.

but now they stand still and droopy, shadows of their former glory. flash frozen by the first snow. rigid, brittle and green.

smothered by a cold wet white blanket of snow on a weekend without baseball during the long eight day layoff.

and so the rockies have gone the way of my tomatoes.

yeah it must have been that snow that did it. that’s what it was.

so it’s over and it’s not nearly as devastating as i feared it would be. yep there is a certain level of disappointment, but honestly it’s been almost impossible to believe that they actually made it to the world series in the first place. and in such a grand and exciting cinderella sort of way. what a run.

and of course it had a certain dr. seussian quality to the whole thing too. rox and sox on fox on the box. eating noodles in a bottle on a poodle sort of deal.

we were all cheering for the red sox here in 2004 you know. lots of red sox fans here. ortiz has that smile. reminds us all of the big cat a bit maybe. oh there was never any real possibility of thinking of them as our enemies.

oh how things here have sparkled in such magic possibility. all these people who hadn’t seen a game in years much less bothered to check box scores were spontaneously involved. suddenly everyone was a baseball fan. for a while there, it seemed the whole world went purple.

and it was a glorious and magical ride to the top. it ran on skill and precision and attitude. and a generous fairydust sprinkling of happy amazing miracles. it all ran like charmed clockwork. it was almost too good to believe for none of us had really allowed the possibility or the expectations to enter our consciousness.

the baseball gods had finally smiled on colorado.

and there was that sense of opportunity. possibility. and yes, almost inevitability.

and then it snowed. and then there was the build-up and the hype and the great ticket debacle and the celebrations and the festivities and the long too long so very long cold and snowy eight day rest.

and those baseball gods. they are a fickle bunch.

oh sure there was a first great blowout pounding. whazzat? then the nail-biter with that pickoff of holliday in the eighth. and eventually then the gradual return to the sort of team we’ve always known and loved. yes, loved. they are still the team we always wanted. and the team we almost had.

for baseball is the great ego buster. it’s that win some lose some deal. there are good games that are lost and bad games that are won.

and it just takes time. so many games a year. almost everyday. inning by inning. play by play by play. pitch by pitch. one piece one throw one good at-bat one moment away.

the more you pay attention to it, the greater the energy investment. the more you care, the more you want to care.

the focus sharpens.

and really it’s the same for the players. the more they’re into it, the more they enjoy it. the more they enjoy it, the better they play. the better they play, the more they win.

oh but it is an emotional roller coaster, no question. the highs the lows the bouncing rollers in the dirt and the looping curveballs and the swings and misses and the crack of the bat and the cheers and the groans and the sighs and the sighs and the sighs.

you’ve just got be able to roll with it. take the good with the not-so-good. maintain. be cool. hang in. wait a few minutes and the whole thing could change. anything could happen. it’s baseball, baby.

for there’s always something to be salvaged from each game. that one play. that great at bat. the breakout inning or the consecutive strikeouts. the double play or the stand-up double. the diving catch and the over the wall out of the park ball that just keeps going.

truth be told, i have always felt sad for the world series losers of this great yearly build-up event. even when the team i wanted to win did, it’s always hard to watch the grief and loss on the faces of the disappointed. to watch their dreams of glory brutally extinguished. but even so, i always watched the drama unfold from a distance. these sorts of emotional extremes were for other teams to experience, not my regular guys. the world series, well that was something completely removed from reality. an important thing, but a vicarious thrill only.

and then all of sudden we were there.

the big time. the pennant. the national league champions.

and then, just like that, there we were. among the grieving.

oh the attachment to outcome. the great heart-breaker. the gut-wrencher. the what could have happened what could be what went wrong where did that go . . . ?

and yet.

and yet it’s as if the party is still on. isn’t there supposed to be more suffering?

but there really isn’t.

and there isn’t a lot of criticism or armchair management going on. not that i’ve seen anyway. i haven’t heard the sour whining disappointment of sports fans feeling gypped or experts pointing out the errors.

oh there’s some speculation. will we still have kaz next year? will the nucleus remain in tact? will they mess with the mojo?

no there is no devastation here.

instead it’s simply another beautiful chilly october sunset behind the mountains kind of bittersweet baseball acceptance.

in fact, i might go so far as to say there is great joy here in mudville. and we are still wearing our purple.

and yes there is a tremendous sense of pure gratitude.

maybe everyone is still savoring the experience. the winning 21 out of 22 games. the sweeps of the post season games. the amazing performances. the pitching. the relief. the energy still reverberates from the purple tornado that hit this town this october.

a purple tornado that chilled too long in the snow, perhaps.

but what a storm. what a wild ride. what a great team. what a run. what a wonderful experience.

and so.

so next year i’m planting as early as possible. i’ve discovered just the right kind of tomatoes to grow in this dry sandy desert soil. and i’m putting in the same super hot chiles. maybe a little cilantro. going to use some good mulch this time. and i’m going to be quicker on the covers and stave off the frost. yeah i’m going to be making some fresh salsa in november next year.

yeah just wait until next year.

just wait.

posted by: limine at 08:53 | link | comments (11) |

buy me love

money. that’s what i want.

money money money.

money honey.

money would solve all the problems, pay the bills, take care of everyone i love, fix everything. money could do it all. just money. makes the world go round, right? not the root of all evil, no no no. money pays for broken down cars. phone bills. utilities. money pays for the mortgage. money money money pays for the medical tests.

oh the material. the necessity of it. the grimey gritty dirty truth of it all. oh when it all boils down to money you know you’ve hit the bottom. the ground. the dirt.

oh it’s just an energy exchange.

an exchange of energy.

money.

greed.

desire.

control.

power.

money. yeah money.

dollars and dollars and heck don’t even bother with those cents can’t even buy bubble gum. not the good kind anyway. no.

oh what do you do what do you do what do you do when people ask you for money?

well i tend to give it if i’ve got it. but not everything. oh no. still looking out for that nebulous future. for which there will need to be money.

i like to give it, i do. just do. spare a dollar? ok. public radio needs my support? you bet. borrow a quarter? got you covered. spare change? have a whole buck my friend.

when i worked as a waitress it was cash that day. walk in off the street broke, walk out with a pocket full of that cold hard or perhaps rather warm and crinkly jingly wonderful money. got to be flush baby. got to pay the bills. buy the food. turn the lights on.

and this material. this stuff. this junk. this crap. all this garbage. all this packaging. the trash that fills the bin in my kitchen you know. all bought with money.

can ruin a marriage. ruin a friendship. ruin a life.

and so we save we clip those coupons clip those coupons we shop the sales we buy the gas at the tiny cigarette store we get the jumbo size pizza for leftovers we wait for the video we wait we wait for the video oh yes we do and we listen to the radio even though the rockies are in the playoffs and we turn down the heater and we put on a sweater and we freeze the leftovers and we save the bags and the boxes and the wrapping paper we are frugal we are careful we put a little extra on the mortgage and we put the rest into savings and we shop for the cheaper car parts and we got rid of the long distance on the phone and we fix the cracks in the plaster and we mow the lawn and we worry about the tree limbs and we fix the fence and rotate the tires and buy the cheapest detergent and the giant packs of paper towels and the big gallon size shampoo and giant unliftable bags of discount store cat litter.

and this is not to say that we don’t have our frills our farmer’s market extravaganzas our little trips our southwest exploratory missions and we get takeout chinese food and we get the good goat cheese and the seven not five or six but seven sprouting grain bread and and and CDs and DVDs and books and books and books and some computer parts and new cell phones and earrings sometimes yeah earrings it’s an addiction really and and and you know we have stuff. oh yeah there is stuff.

but what happens oh what happens oh what is the thing about it what happens when someone asks for money?

just get us through the rough spot see it’s only a loan it will all come right back to you it will all be ok just got into a bad spot just need to get over this bad patch well of course of course of course we can lend it to you of course you know we’ve got it in savings but today is columbus day and the bank’s are closed and it’s going to take a couple days and that’s ok that’s ok it will all be ok of course of course of course don’t worry don’t worry please don’t stress please don’t freak oh i can’t see you cry i don’t want you to feel bad it must be so hard to ask it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok it’s only money only money it’s only money.

only.

money.

only.

hard work. scrimping and saving and worrying and working and working and doing without and squirreling it away for that uncertain future that time the tree limb breaks off and drops through the roof the time that the tire blows that the battery dies that the job is down-sized and the vet bills pile up and the breeze is coming through the big cracks in the wall and the fridge goes on the blink and the drains need snaking because the roots have grown into the old pipes and the porch crumbles and the banister falls off and and and and and it’s only money.

security. savings. safety.

it’s all we’ve got. it’s everything we’ve got. it’s all we have. it’s what we use. it’s what we’ve got to have. it’s what it is.

but people are starving people are dying blood on the goods slave labor and the earth is crumbling and ice caps melt oh the waste the waste the profit is made from waste and the greed the greed the greed makes everything bleed the greed squeezes and the greed burns and the greed needs it needs it needs it hordes and grabs and takes and keeps it keeps the greed keeps the greed is never satiated the little children will not have health care and the tax cuts for the wealthy and greed is so all consuming the greed is consuming the greed is desire is death destruction war is about greed and ownership greed and lust and power greed for power greed is lust is desire greed is all about the money.

and so how tightly do we grip it, exactly?

what is realistic what is help what is charity what is necessary what is real what is bread and what is cake and what will really take care of things what is really what the matter is what is really what this is all about?

we grow our own tomatoes but tonight they will freeze. we waited as long as we could but we had to light the stove when the old cat got the sniffles. we got new tires but the car is out of alignment. those shoes were new but they just didn’t last and we put a new floor in the bathroom but the leak is still destroying the wall.

yeah you bought a new house while we lived without plumbing and you bought a new sports car and we drove an old leaky truck and you like to eat out and i make a lot of soup but we don’t understand how you got into this situation wow that’s pretty cool is that a new palm pilot and and we’re trying not to judge and we love you of course we’re friends and and we don’t want anything bad to happen to you and it’s important i’m sure and yeah you can say it’s a loan you can it’s ok everything is going to be ok everything will all be ok and so sure you can have it. you can have what we’ve got. don’t cry please don’t cry you can borrow whatever you need. heck we’ll just give it to you. really. of course you can have it. why not?

it’s only money.

posted by: limine at 22:04 | link | comments (6) |

Template by motime.com  |  header image credit: Markus Gann © www.begann.de