the pelican

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

darkness darkness

oh it is really all about control. hard to admit it. ego believes its judgments are just oh so important and necessary. but ultimately, it is just mainly about control.

insecurity.

and all the what ifs. what if this doesn’t happen. what if this upsets someone. what if something terrible happens. what if this won’t work. what if they draw the wrong conclusions. what if nobody understands.

what a miserable pitiful life it becomes for a control freak. nothing is ever good enough. nothing is the way it should be. everything is stressful because everything must somehow be nailed down by an act of sheer will. everything is judged and found wanting. everything is substandard. everything disgusts and irritates and rubs the wrong way. this is the realm of sheer ego.

and it is so exhausting. nerve racking. from boredom to simple disappointment and malaise. and sometimes panic. doubt. double check everything time and time again and whoops there it is – the big mistake that if you hadn’t double checked and tripled checked you wouldn’t have found if you hadn’t. and the doubt that comes when there’s some sort of realization that nothing done the first time around is ever going to be good enough.

have to watch it all the time. stay on it. make things happen. persist. will things into being only to discover there’s something wrong with them. too hot and things will boil but not enough heat and everything just coagulates and develops scum and crusts over.

and the endless judgments, the self righteous indignation and the opinions the opinions the opinions and the disdain. disappointment. depression. disgust. oh the violence of intolerance.

the judgment that results when compassion is not present.

all of it. all of it is only fear. just plain old fear.

fear of not being right.

fear of not being smart enough. good enough. beautiful enough. fast enough.

fear of mistakes.

fear of confrontation. fear of struggle.

fear of pain. fear of suffering. fear of illness. fear of disaster.

fear of feeling powerless.

powerless over death.

and the endless desire to control.

the push for time. the need to rush. the need to push. the need the greed the anxiety the stress the frustration.

and it’s all about control. the will to fight against inevitable entropy, decay, death.