the pelican

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

waking

it isn't as if any of this could mean anything beyond its moment. still, it felt as though it did. it does. all very important. yes yes yes. oh dear.

thoughts arise. pull one down and examine it or let it go and it dissipates. dissolves. evaporates. and it is replaced with another.

these thoughts, they come and go and come and go.

they are mine. i made these up.

are they mine? where have they come from?

something i saw last night about the earth's magnetic core. a scrap of radio news. a piece of garlic returns. wondering. fondness. longing. memories. a dog is always barking somewhere. breezes.

wipe off the blackboard with a big soft eraser and all is clear and dark and soft and black fading to gray to silver white.

and another. a bright flower floating on the water. a picture. the smell of toast. a wave of anxiety as the tick of time ruffles through.

these thoughts keep coming and going. life and death. death and life. come and go. left to right. up and down. in one ear and out the other. breathing in. breathing out.

a pulse of sadness. a gripping in the chest. an anxious moment. comings and goings. comings and goings.

where did that come from? why would i think of these things? these are my thoughts. i created them. mine. mine. all mine. they belong to me.

no. they are not mine. they have only passed by. passing by. floating through on the stream. coming and going. these thoughts are not me.

what to do what to say what to be what what what?

sssshhhh. here you are. yes.

and the kettle? and that crack in the wall? did he remember to call? wasn't there something . . something forgotten? something hidden. something missing. something anything anything?

nothing. nothing.

should have should have. drat drat drat. already happened. already gone.

here it comes. there it goes. oh and this. there it went. there. there. what was that?

thoughts arise. how much examination is necessary?

activity. chatter. nervous nervous must fill must think must fill void. must think this through. must focus. must must. ok. if you must.

must what? just must.

whatever. do as you must.

what do you want?

nothing. everything. so much. it's all just beyond reach. around the next corner. oh dear.

let it go. let it go. sssssh. it's ok.

ok. ok.

here it comes again. longing. a pull. desire. a grip.