the pelican

once more with feeling

what it is

criminy. round and round and round she goes and where she stops, even she doesn't know.

nope haven't been blogging much and guess the main excuse is that an enormous amount of my emotional energy has been spent mired in the muck of office hooey. drowning in it. heck truth be told i dived right into it with my clothes on. a running jump into a pile of hooey. a hot steaming pile of optional suffering.

see there really is no reason i should be in this position as office manager slash office administrator slash paralegal slash general catch-all doormat at work. true, i'm a good listener and empathetic and all of that. true i've always been a flack-catcher to some extent, absorbing it all, diffusing it, hearing all the stories, offering little bits of sympathy, compassion, assistance, chocolate, what have you. i'll edit your letters and pleadings and show you the court rule that pertains to the situation and tell you what kind of stickers work best and patiently help you pull your mangled piles of paper out of the copier and google up some research for you and bring cookies back from the bakery at lunch and gently read the help files with you to discover how to get the text to appear diagonally in your exhibit and tell silly personal stories about previous litigation nightmares and hold hands and cover phones and turn off the coffee before it burns and turn off the lights and lock the doors. it's what i do. it comes naturally. i wish i didn't sometimes but i just do it. probably a combination of being the hyper responsible hyper vigilant child of an alcoholic, genetics, genuine concern, and a bit of desire to somehow “do good” or “make things better” or “smooth things over.” want to heal it all and make it all better and want everyone to get along and play nicely and be happy and be gentle and kind with each other and for there to be peace and joy and love all around with cookies and presents and rainbows and soft fluffy bunnies.

yeah. a control freak.

a control freak who mistakenly believes that taking on the entire emotional dynamic of the office as her own personal cross to bear will somehow create a peaceful working environment.

right.

taking too active a role in the happiness of others doesn't do anyone any favors. and it doesn't work. and it's trying to force my will over the situation and being upset when it doesn't all go the way i think it should. i mean these people are human beings, replete with baggage and education and chemicals and appetites and emotions and judgments and conflicting desires and stress and let's face it, anything can happen.

anything.

conflict and struggle and ego battles and emotional scarring and warring as well as cooperation and humor and silliness and fun and play.

and as long as i keep that in perspective, i can go about my business doing my imaginary little do-goodie-ness without too much harm and even enjoy watching it all take place. when i can sit back and just see it all for what it is and be amused by the interplay. the comings and goings, the beginnings and endings, the cycles and cycles and cycles of repeating spiraling loops of behavior and interaction and chemical reactions.

when i remember that it's all game, and there is no winning or losing, only constant play. that i am not really an active player, but part of the game itself.

but when i lose sight of the play, and take myself and the situation too seriously, oh look out.

when i place expectations and personal attachments into the whole mess, it's no longer loving and giving but controlling and willing and disappointing desiring for things to be other than they are.

as long as there is a desire for things to be other than they are, there will be unhappiness and suffering. optional suffering. extra suffering. suffering of the self-created sort.

like being on a martyr trip in my head listening to all my inner rationalizations of how hard i try i do i do oh i try so hard i give it all away and nobody appreciates it and it's all my fault and i have no more to give and i can't take anymore of it and i need a vacation oh i can't keep up with all i have to do and i wonder if they're mad at me now and what did i do to create this mess and oh how i've failed failed failed so miserably and nothing i do every comes out right and all the best laid plans and the road to hell is paved with good intentions and what have i done oh what have i done oh the frustration oh dear me.

control. the world will never be as i expect it to be, because my expectations are just that. expectations. attachments to outcomes. hard core desire at it's ugliest and most violent because it is not acceptance and awareness but some sort of misguided will to power.

in my perfect world where i am goddess everyone gets along and plays nicely and takes care of each other and shares their toys and makes their deadlines together and gets the work out and wins cases and laughs and giggles and bakes pies and dances on the grass and gives thanks for the beauty of the sun on the mountains in the morning and respects each other and loves each other and saves each other and redeems each other in their constant effort to be more and more compassionate and tolerant and patient.

and to want the world to be other than it is, is to do a sort of violence to it, regardless of how good the intentions, because it is to not accept it for what it is. to not accept it as it is and still love it and care for it. not because there's some sort of reward or positive outcome to be had. not for money or glory or fame or fortune. not to be right. not to be the one in control. not to get what "i" believes it wants.

but because it is simply being what it is.

which is actually quite beautiful.

see how it sparkles and shines in its infinite variety.

phew.

to step back for a moment and breathe out and see it. for it is magnificent.

and it may not all be exactly as my ego thinks it should be, but it is what it is.

and guess that's not half bad.

after

all.

 

posted by: limine at 12:41 | link | comments (14) |

Comments:

#1  30 January 2005 - 12:55

 

Really, really nice post. Very introspective and painfully honest as always.

You just gave me a flashback to my uncle John, who was a hard-driving, hard-drinking, cynical sales rep in KC. Late at night, when everyone else was asleep and he was fully loaded, he would sit and sigh and shake his head and ask no one in particular: "Why can't people just be people?"

It always seemed very profound to me.

InMyLife

#2  30 January 2005 - 13:11

 

I got into so much trouble trying to keep everyone happy, and one day I just snapped. Since then, I decided to just try not to be the one who causes unhappiness. It's still not easy, but it's certainly not as crazy.

Yoshick

#3  30 January 2005 - 18:56

 

I know the feeling ... "If people would just DO AS I SAY!!!" But yr right, you can make yrself crazy trying to fix the world. I like what you said about just wanting to not 'cause unhappiness 'cause in the long run, that's all the power we have and perhaps the best use of it. And yes, I do know how to pony. Thanks for posting
tb/punkrockblues

Anonymous

#4  31 January 2005 - 09:29

 

you are angry.

an early important no life-saving therapist once told me you michael are angry, she parodied my body language, said your assignment now is to go out in the world and be angry. right about this time we were changing apartments, the nextdoor landlord was fucking us over re the security deposit, i pursued him all the way back to his house and stood shouting out i! am! angry!

he was so terrified he slipped the check under the door. that day i learned anger however frightening is useful.

Anonymous

#5  31 January 2005 - 16:04

 

well, yes very perceptive, michael. but of course.

there's been a great deal of anger coming through in waves for me for a few days, and sort of felt i was about done with it by time i finishing writing that -- funny how that works.

of course today at work the saga continues although so far, my reactions have been less severe. hopefully that's a good sign . . .

anger just doesn't do a lot for me. oh it happens, no question. but i've yet to receive any benefit from acting out on it. always seems to create more grief for me. i just try to let it pass through and not give it too much of my energy. sort of acknowledge it ride it out.

it's good to examine though. on closer inspection my anger seems to dissipate under examination and the realization that most of my frustration stems from trying to control something that in truth, i have no business trying to control.

i was even in a struggle with myself for a while last week, trying to DENY the fact that i was so angry, dismiss it, minimize it, swallow it in some way, and of course THAT doesn't work.

a friend told me this weekend, "you can only take so much of it. no matter how hard you try, you just never develop a taste for shit."

limine

#6  31 January 2005 - 16:31

 

frustrating isn't it? I always find myself stuck in the same situation where you want to do things good but just ends up disappointed. I struggle between trying to convince myself to accept or to get mad at everything. Then at times I feel I actually reached the point where I don't care already. Just let things be.

H-seventy-nine

#7  31 January 2005 - 21:21

 

exactly harrienne. getting mad is going to happen. just have to recognize it when it happens and try not take it all so seriously. of course sometimes, in the throes of some push-button reaction response of passion, it's much easier said than done, of course . . . but in the end, it's certainly preferable to detach and watch it all happening than toxic dumping. acting in anger always has the worst sort of reverberations. just ask anyone who's ever had to live with me. mwah hah hah.

limine

#8  01 February 2005 - 05:32

 

don't you think that when women get angry, it is often seen as being out of control, but when men get angry, it is interpreted as just the opposite?

Leigh

#9  01 February 2005 - 07:37

 

yes. men seem to have managed to justify some sort of righteous anger --not-- but they seem to get away with it, nevertheless. whereas an angry woman is considered a very ugly thing to be.

limine

#10  02 February 2005 - 04:29

 

My mother actually went so far as to try to force herself not to feel anger because it was so destructive. You would have to know that her parents fought violently throughout her childhood to understand why. But the end result is a woman who plays psychological games with herself and denies her feelings.

I would rather feel my feelings, allow myself some form of expression, ususally in private, look at the source of those feelings, and, like you say, limine, try not to take it so seriously. Sometimes this process is lengthy, but I try not to drag it out. Life is just too short to allow destructive emotions to overcome the good ones.

And I used to have a violent temper. I have had very public displays of some very ugly emotions. They never had good results, although the release made me feel better at the time, except for the time I kicked a brick wall.

In other words, I choose happiness.

InMyLife

#11  02 February 2005 - 08:40

 

as i've aged i've found anger intgegrates more cooperatively with sweeter aspects of my self. yesterday i asked my oncologist how his job affects his personal existence (it's a question of great interest to me, since my dad, a doc, seemed largely to shut off his feelings entirely) and he responded that he's learned to step back from small things which are troubling him to preserve his awareness that all of us only have so much time. to me that sounds like a good idea, to step back.

Anonymous

#12  02 February 2005 - 08:53

 

yes, stepping back.

i am afraid of being angry, and fat. two things that scare me. two things girls are not allowed to be. scary, scary.

but sometimes i am sweet. so that is good. sugar and spice and all that.

Leigh

#13  03 February 2005 - 07:45

 

dearest Leigh, i know what's it's like to be afraid of what you are, because we're not conditioned by our society to accept ourselves. it's reinforced all the time that we should desire, desire desire and live in constant want and need to be something other than we are. to try to find love and acceptance outside of our ourselves. it's a constant struggle for me.

slowing learning that we don't have to be cookies to be loved.

somebody very wise, (think it might be His Holiness the Dalai Lama, but not sure) said that holding onto anger is like gripping a hot coal that you plan to throw at your enemy. you only burn yourself.

limine

#14  03 February 2005 - 19:49

 

;)

Leigh

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