the pelican

once more with feeling

stuff

strange. normal. sane. crazy. all relative, perhaps. only to be defined by comparison. contrast. context.

now, you take something out of context, well that's something only done in the mind, really. pure illusion. mental constructs of what if's and alternative possibilities. something removed from its immediate state of interdependence can only be done in the imagination and even then, even then. well even then there are still an infinite number of links to memory and associations and preconceived definitions and personal meaning and emotions and a full chain of chemical reactions.

my friend tells me last Saturday on our way to the pledge drive, my friend she's very wise, my friend she tells me she says listen you can't just nip desire in the bud by denying it or pretending it doesn't exist. no siree. it's all still there you've just driven it underground.

underneath. stuffed away. underground.

subterranean. buried alive. denied the light of day.

she said my friend said she said she's very wise sometimes my friend she just says stuff and sometimes it makes sense at the time and sometimes it makes more sense later and sometimes it's just sheer and utter stuff she says she says if you force it underground you are only attempting to control the situation through some kind of manipulation.

yes. of course. and here i thought i was trying to be virtuous or something. trying to not think those thoughts. not go there. but my feelings were going there. so it was back to the old head heart disconnect. a brutal surgery of sorts with a terrible success rate for long term mental health.

and so and so and so i say look then how can i go on like this. i tried to nip the bud that was sprouting in my heart, was just so sure it was a weed that could take over the whole garden.

yeah she said but you can't do that.

why why why what about this non-stop re-evaluation process and this sense of everything crumbling around me how do i hold it all together how do i allow myself to feel the full extent of this mid-life meltdown fed-up with things crisis or whatever the heck that's happening these days, to be buffeted about by all that the world has to offer without trying to fix things correct things make things better how can i just let it be and live in a world filled with so much chaos spinning out of control what on earth do i with it and isn't it just going to distract me from other things that i don't seem to be accomplishing appropriately at this point what about what about what about.

well my friend she's very wise sometimes she just says stuff she pulls stuff out of me that even i don't know where i keep it she just says stuff and sometimes she gets right in there and starts squeezing stuff but sometimes she says stuff and its really only her stuff and doesn't really apply to me even though she thinks it does you know but sometimes sometimes she really gets in there and plucks it out of me and holds it up and says ah hah and then there's this moment where i have to decide what to do with what she tells me.

because it needs to remain in its context to understand its relationship to see it for what it is.

too much abstraction too much analysis too many theories twisting and tangling too much second guessing well, then, it is just no longer mere observation but some sort of attempt to manipulate things out of fear of inevitable suffering.

like trying to cover up a bit of stink with some sort of hideous fake floral air freshener.

the dreaded suffering is not avoided.

it merely changes shape.

probably even creates more suffering. hurt. pain. confusion. emotional upheaval.

can not simply detach the head from the body and expect to run a marathon.

can not pull love out of life like a peach pit and stick in a jar and bury it in the backyard. 

once again it all comes down to acceptance.

each time i try to be other than who i am it is an utter disaster. a move away from authenticity. an imbalance that reverberates through all aspects of life. just basic dishonesty, frankly. denial. willful ignorance.

strange. normal. sane. crazy. all relative, perhaps. only to be defined by comparison. contrast. context.

posted by: limine at 12:24 | link | comments (6) |

Comments:

#1  29 April 2006 - 12:32

 

can not pull love out of life like a peach pit and stick in a jar and bury it in the backyard.

I love this, the whole entry in a nutshell, or peach pit, as the case may be.

Yeah, it is in the discarding of that which does not fit, opening up the space for that which does.

Leigh

#2  29 April 2006 - 13:07

 

This is one of those posts where you write and delete about a dozen comments and then just say, whew, that was a good one.

InMyLife

#3  01 May 2006 - 08:51

 

Very nicely said, yes. I think we've all got to deal with things in our own way, and what is right to J. might not be what feels right to you, but then again, it's all comparison isn't it?

Anonymous

#4  05 May 2006 - 03:06

 

I think the Western notion that if you don't act on desire, or shift your mind away from desire, you must be repressed is, in fact, wrong. You can accept all your thoughts of desire, acknowledge them, and then move to a higher plane of consciousness where there is more lasting joy. Craving is always suffering. There's something beyond it.

EmmaPele

#5  05 May 2006 - 03:35

 

I think Emma's hit on something here. Because the Puritans and their backlash had such a huge effect on the forming of our nation, repression and indulgence arguably are typical patterns for a considerable segment of our population even today. The maintenance of balance between the needs of the individual and the needs of society are a part of our ethical and social structure. (this is not limited to the U.S. or to recent history, but that's been my area of research this semester, thus my approach)

When we acknowledge and accept our feelings, we can sometimes learn what lies behind them. Then we can move beyond them to that higher plane whereof Emma speaks. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes what we desire is not actually that which is in front of us but rather that which it represents for us. Learning to tell the difference enables us to let go of powerful cravings that are not healthy for ourselves and others.

I apologize for sounding somewhat academic here, but I felt your post (and the comments) merited a more thoughtful response. I might have had a better response in another week or month, but this is where I am this morning.

Guess I'm just a work in progress (or a piece of work), as always. Isn't that what life's about? I'm glad you can articulate the struggle so well, and I'm glad of this forum where we can respectfully share our ideas.

InMyLife

#6  05 May 2006 - 06:26

 

wow great comments! and discussion! i'm so excited . . .

yeah, what i was trying to convey, not sure if i managed, perhaps . . . was my realization that desire itself isn't so much the issue as the attachment to it -- and the denial of desire is neither mindful, nor gentle, but in fact further attachment.

can't nip it in the bud by pretending it doesn't exist. emotions, feelings, desires -- going to happen all the time. it's what you do with them -- acting on them seems to create more karma, brings more suffering. a willful denial is as much a form of attachment as a conscious obsession.

to be mindful, it seems to also be necessary to maintain the awareness of context, comparison, interdependence, which allows for (hopefully) a better understanding, less judgment and attachment, and more compassion.

limine

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