the pelican

once more with feeling

here one day

it's hard to remember to look at the difficult stuff.

the stuff avoided. the stuff that might bring up more. connected to other unresolved stuff. confusion. stuff that smacks you right upside the head. stuff linked to more stuff. more and more.

jealousy. anger. depression. violent emotional reactions.

and i mean really look at it.

peel back the layers, past the discomfort and the rationalizations and the justifications and the great sweeping generalizations and into the actual difficult stuff.

the things you might not want to see. to own. at the very least to even acknowledge.

and i don't mean falling into the why's and wherefores.

and not the how's, not the endless chain of reactions that lead up to it.

not the imagined substance of which it appears to have originated, either. not its first cause or its trigger or original scar tissue or history.

and no attempts to gloss it over or fix it or paste a happy face on it either.

but to peer deeply into all the chaos and the pain and the misery for a moment to see it for what it is. to stare right into it and see it.

study it. examine it. look inside.

selfishness. ignorance. fear.

and as the emotions and knee-jerk judgments wash through, look at it again. closer.

there is a kind of vast sweeping universality to it, this fear of things. fear of death. fear of the unknown. fear of all that is uncontrollable. fear of responsibility. fear of interaction. fear of emotions. fear of the mess. fear of pain. fear of suffering.

fear of all that can not be known. fear of variables. fear of what can or can not be done. fear of what the others might think. fear of uncertainty.

just fear.

and there it is.

so what was i so afraid of?

maybe it was a fear of falling? or feeling. maybe it was a fear of freedom.

fear of risks. fear of failure.

fear of recognizing the responsibility. fear of acknowledging the part played.

i mean it was only passion. only an emotional possession. only the rush of feelings in the moment.

it was a dream. an illusion.

some indigestion. a rough choice. a distracted moment. a brief exchange. a bit of drama. a chemical reaction. a movement. a particle. a wave. a string.

it was nothing.

nothing.

and yet in the moment it was all consuming.

remember that? how important. how necessary. how frustrating. how angry. how hurt. how flustered. how lost. how panicked. how afraid. oh i could almost bring it all back. feel it starting up. the endless desire to try to control things. to manipulate it. to change it. to avoid the inevitable. to rewind, start over, edit a few bits out and begin again but this time this time it will be different this time it will all be ok this time it will be with the foreknowledge and the understanding and this time a re-do with all the answers in hand all the variables forseen all the possibilities seen to this time this time this to get it right and this time oh to crave to crave for a second chance a second try oh to crave a second birth.

but why? over this? this is nothing.

the moment passed. it's already happened. and now it's already gone.

and it was nothing. nothing substantial. nothing real.

upon closer inspection, a little time a little space a little space-time and those all consuming emotions eventually simply evaporate.

poof.

gone.

nothing.

it was nothing.

nothing really even worth writing about.

posted by: limine at 20:33 | link | comments (5) |

Comments:

#1  28 June 2006 - 07:30

 

Oh, to rewind.

Anonymous

#2  29 June 2006 - 04:01

 

I think I've only had moments of clarity through a lifetime of obscurity, most of it my own subliminal obfuscation stretched in a fine gauze over all my efforts at truth-seeking.

I had a moment of clarity yesterday, and it scared me half to death in all its painful raw truth. But I have to look at it, don't I? You say it very well.

InMyLife

#3  30 June 2006 - 08:26

 

it seemed to mean more the second time i read it, or maybe i just slowed down enough, enough to comprehend it thoroughly. a horoscope for every sign, absolute genius. or perhaps the first rule in the AA book, i read into it endlessly. sympathize, empathize, criticize. sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

nice work.

Anonymous

#4  30 June 2006 - 20:47

 

wow, you know what? that says a lot about many of us.

ania

#5  31 July 2006 - 07:45

 

'so what was i so afraid of?'

Good question.

Jackal

Comments: