the pelican

once more with feeling

time

kant said it was a form of inner intuition.

consciousness of the ephemera.

time shifts with perception. age. awareness. focus.

practically stops altogether when watching the breath.

movement. the forward push. the growth towards the light. the
struggles upward and onward.

time spent. used. traded. experienced. chosen. endured.

time cards. time slots. time shares.

making time. taking time.

more time more time must have more time more time.

time greed.

can it really be wasted?

is any part of life ever truly wasted?

how precious and brief. see how it sparkles. this moment. this shared communication.

aristotle thought all the senses were about touch. forms of touch. even seeing. things observed are touched. perhaps at a quantum level? how the particles shift when observed. these attempts to reach out and perceive the environment. to touch the air. maybe why sometimes there is feeling of being observed. a feeling. a touch. a  connection made.

memories stored. attempts to grasp time. to hold on to it. to gather it together. to  point to it as thought something was really there. to say on this day something happened and it was then and it shall be remembered and this is the date the time the day the information learned the experience shared the moment passed. something to point to.

when i got the phone call. the last time i saw you. the last communication.

last time. last time i saw you. last time i saw you, you waved as you drove past me on your way heading west towards the mountains. last time i saw you, you were already dead. the message waiting for me on the answering machine.

memory seems to be just so much accumulation. storage of information. information about time. time baggage.

what we did. where we were. what we learned.

a year ago. a year ago. a year ago.

got the job three years ago. been four years now since he died. five years ago we had to make the decision. seven years since i tried to run away. ten years in a house. sixteen years of marriage. twenty two years  ago she was born. twenty five years since we buried dad.

she sits in the nursing home and looks out the window. she talks about death. she has directions for the funeral. she says the end is near. the time is coming. never thought i'd live this long. oh the indignity of it. how the body fails. how everything disintegrates. time was she says. time was. time was different then. oh how hard we worked. the things we did. the decisions we made. the people we knew. how busy we were. running around. and now the end is near. the time has come. she says she won't be going home this time. she needs help with her pajamas. she talks of all who have already died. she wonders if they'll put an announcement in the newspaper. will everyone say was she still alive? how'd she make it that far?

and always remember the longer you live, the sooner you'll bloody well die.

and is it worth it? what to do with all this nostalgia? this returning to storage this sifting through boxes searching for pictures gathering the past fuzzy reflections morphing with each retelling constantly changing in relation to the current perspective.

can i love without grasping? remember without pain? reflect without judging? cherish  experience be in the moment consciously and still learn from the past and plan for the future? oh honestly.

and these memories these fragments these keepsakes these bits and pieces can be  dusty and forgotten and stuffed away or taken out and admired and reviewed.  polished regularly.

still there is no real touching of the past. it is beyond the senses.

oh yeah it feels like i can see it. smell the cinnamon. taste the chocolate. feel the  fabric of your shirt. look here how the moment is frozen in a photograph. burned. sealed. etched. printed. there it is. materialized. crystalized. in color. there it is. it's right there. right here. in the picture.

the fear. the uncertainty. the desire for more time.

the end is near. the end. the finality of it all. birth and life and age and death.

oh to yearn to desire to stretch and strain and wish and long and plan and the regrets the regrets the regrets the loss the limit the limit the amount the end the suffering  the suffering oh the desires the grains of sand in the hourglass the ticking the endless ticking and tocking and the alarms and the accomplishments and the love shared and the paper trail and the time is up the moment has come close the curtains the lights come up and voila.

trying to lean back as far as possible and yet still this is now. mind travels yet goes nowhere. imagination creates the destination, and it's a different ride every time to  arrive at the latest recreation.

but in the awareness of the touch in the moment in the touch to touch to make contact with the present the senses are of the moment. the now. to see to feel to hear to smell to taste to reach out to perceive to live to will to be present.

to perceive is to communicate with the present moment. to touch the edge of life. to see infinity in an instant. to know. to be.

and to forgive.

offering it up and letting go and sitting still.

catch and release. breathe in and out. goodbye and hello.

glub dub glub dub.

i will hold you in my heart. i will hold you in my heart. i will hold you. i would hold you. i did hold you once. i held you. and you are gone. i hold you now. there there i've got you i've got you i've got you.

and you're gone.

once upon a time.

posted by: limine at 07:16 | link | comments (7) |

Comments:

#1  09 March 2007 - 10:32

 

wow.

Leigh

#2  11 March 2007 - 01:50

 

I second that wow.

behindtheblink

#3  11 March 2007 - 20:51

 

You have ventured into the topics of naive realism, subjectivity, human perceptions and time...

On subjectivity and time: Do people truly waste their own time? Well, it depends on how you percieve yourself and how others perceive your use of time. Who gives a fuck what other people think about you. Find your self; inner self. Self-actualization.

Kant was a moron. Hypocrite. Yes, his existentialist beliefs were somewhat rational and logical. However, being a Christian existentialist is akin to being an Atheist Buddhist...in a way, right?

They don't mix well together...

(just my opinion)

iconoclast

#4  11 March 2007 - 22:33

 

thanks for the comments.

although i'm not typically too keen on tossing labels around, i have a hard time seeing kant as an existentialist -- on what could you base that? his life's work seemed to be prinarly a great attempt to transcend the rationalist and empiricisit split, essentially. i mean think about it, if kierkegaard is considered the father of existentialism, he's not even born until about 10 years after kant's death. and yes kierkegaard, the father of existentialism, was a christian. and so was kant. but in what way do you consider kant an existentialist?

can't imagine considering kant a moron either, but of course you're entitled to your opinion, though what have you read of kant that would bring you to this conclusion? i'll admit i part with him in places, especially in his critique of judgment, but what a brilliant and amazing body of work he contributed, and how much it has influenced everything since.

as for your comment about atheist buddhists, again while i'm not keen on the loaded labels, i'd say there may well be quite a few! some who toss such labels about might even claim all buddhists are in some sense since there is no belief in any sort of external god required in order to practice the 8-fold path. it's more of a psychological path of exploration in awareness, in which you are asked to accept nothing on faith, but to try it out for yourself and see if you find it true. and once you attain enlightenment, you're supposed to chuck it out! you discard the raft once you get to ther other side. the buddha claims no divine birth, and is described as a man who "woke up" -- i think buddha means something like "awakened one." additionally it is taught that everyone has buddha nature, and we all are potential buddhas ourselves. my studies have led me to find the process more a matter of practice and mindfulness, compassion and attention, awareness and love. personally, i've found great refuge in buddhism.

though certainly buddhism has many schools and is considered to be a religion in other ways. and perhaps also it could be said that we have a tendency to deify sages and saints and philosophers -- great teachers that show us aspects of the truth about ourselves -- maybe it's out of gratitude or respect, maybe it's just plain love.

i think that disturbs some people -- especially those who have had religion shoved down their thoats or held over their heads -- who strive to be free of religious threats and dogma. and that's understandable, but also to their own detriment if they dismiss great wisdom purely out of an emotional reaction to their past woundings.

but it's all in the perspective i guess, and i tend to seek out and attempt to absorb truth and wisom wherever i find it. in science, in art, in literature, in mythology, in sacret texts and religions, in philosophy, and buddhism has taught me that there is great wisdom in simply attempting to be mindful of everyday human experience.

kant and aristotle and the buddha are just a few of the myriad teachers i feel lucky enough to have encountered thus far. sometimes i think i am really just a dharma junkie. ;-)

limine

#5  12 March 2007 - 04:23

 

Thanks, J, I needed to read this this morning.

InMyLife

#6  15 March 2007 - 15:53

 

I sure like/enjoy/appreciate coming here and reading you.

Anonymous

#7  30 March 2007 - 12:45

 

Thanks for the perspective you left on my blog today. So difficult to see the light beyond the holes I dig for myself.

InMyLife

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