the pelican

once more with feeling

just this that and the other thing nothing really

and so it has been said that the world is pretty much as we see it. it is a reflection, a mirror of ourselves.

and this simple truth this naked honesty has led perhaps to the utterly mistaken misinterpretation of the “you create your own reality” thing, maybe.

or that is yes, you do. the perspective, the focus, the narrow or the open-minded view. that seems to be as conscious a decision as you choose to make it. oh there it much that goes into it yes. genetics, culture, background, family, education, all of it. absolutely. but the bottom line is all that stuff is more or less information. and the assimilation and manipulation and storage and usage of that information is basically up to you. and this is volition.

freedom.

oh but how free do we really want to be?

isn’t it so much easier to be cynical and sardonic? or afraid and fatalistic? or pious and self-righteous? isn’t it easier to just glom onto something bigger? nationalism maybe, or religion, or sarcasm? isn’t it easier to just blame it all on something else? don’t we seem to want to identity with a group -- a community -- a pack of like-minded individuals. safety in numbers. need someone to talk to. must assimilate. must conform. must stand out and be unique.

like-minded individuals. isn’t that an oxymoron?

but what about this idea of just figuring it out for yourself. examining the interior. looking within. checking out from whence there comes to be all these assumptions and assertions and beliefs and pronouncements and emotions and fears and worries and concerns?

where does this come from? isn’t it always changing? doesn’t it seem to shift constantly?

and what does it mean to have a gut feeling? to know it in your heart? to feel it in your bones?

and what to do with that oh what to do.

the most interesting and authentic people have always seemed to have some sort of sense of purpose. some lack of self-doubt. not to say they didn’t have their darker moments their soul-searching their dark nights of the soul. but somehow even if they did doubt, they just did the right thing anyway. they just up and did it, didn’t they?

because isn’t it really just that simple?

oh but we love to make it so hard. so complex. so enmeshed.

we want to be helpless. it’s all too big. i can’t cure the suffering of the world. i don’t want to hear the news. i don’t want to care about darfur. i don’t want to read about the war. i don’t care if an attorney general was destroying the very core of the ideal of law and order as a lackey to an unscrupulous political machine. i don’t want to know about anything other than my own immediate needs because believe me, they are not only very interesting and important for my survival but they are a complex set of variables and anything could just topple the whole reality over like a house of cards. one false move and that’s it. anything could happen. and we can’t have that.

this identity that we construct. this image of who we think we should be.

so much baggage. so much nonsense. so many attachments.

we grip each aspect and we say i am like this and i don’t like that no and i love this sort of thing and i can only be happy when i’m doing what i what which is this and i am a victim and i had so many things happen to me and these things these things these things made me who i am everything out there made the me that i am and i am nothing if i am not all these things which i do so embody or try to anyway.

we believe these histories of all the things that we have experienced as though they are the authors of our existence and we refer to them as our scars and our wounds and our merit badges and our preferences and our habits and our behaviors and we cling to them oh we cling we grip so tightly we squeeze the juice out of it yet we must hold on hold on to these shards of identity so tightly because without them, without these identifying scars and features, well who the heck are we?

we?

are we plural?

uh excuse me, i am unique. i am me. i was talking about me. all about me.

yep that’s right. i am the star of my show.

but am i so different am i just this so am i only me and why am i me and not somebody else and how did i come to get here and where am i going and i will die someday yes i will die and will i just end will i disappear i am so important i am all things i am all these likes and dislikes and preferences and appetites and i am just this and not that and i am afraid that i will die and i will be alone i will die and everyone will be living and i will die and will everything disappear when i die what will i miss and what will happen to me to
me to me me me me me me?

and i am so frightened. so alone. no one understands me. no one gets me. everyone hurts my feelings because they can’t possibly comprehend my perspective. oh i am so alone. an alien. an outcast. nobody has ever felt this way but me. oh how i suffer. oh how i struggle beneath my burdens. look at them. those others. they could be happier than me. they probably are. because they can not know what i feel. they can not possibly fathom the depth of my pain. oh but what if they do? are they laughing at me? oh what about me?

what about me? i’m supposed to be the star. i am the star. i feel pain and suffering. i must be real. i am important. i have emotions. strong emotions. i have deep feelings and convictions too. i believe in things. specific things. and i have an appearance to maintain. an image to keep up. an ideal to live up to.
but then here is there is here is this catch, see. there’s this tricky part . . . this detail this conundrum this je ne sais quoi this mystery this phenomenon this logical fallacy this tidbit of trivia . .

for if i am the star then who’s watching the show?

now give me that remote and stop changing the channels.

posted by: limine at 21:36 | link | comments (6) |

Comments:

#1  27 August 2007 - 22:34

 

"for if i am the star then who’s watching the show?"

Me thinks that the observer is the I am that is at the center of all. Maybe the observer also is observed.

NeutronNorman

#2  28 August 2007 - 13:41

 

Love it. Thanks for the grin at the end of a long day.

InMyLife

#3  29 August 2007 - 10:32

 

thats whats tivos for

rustymadgal

#4  30 August 2007 - 06:13

 

oh limine, you do so inspire me with your beautiful existential crisis (so much so that i tried to comment this morning by tedious phone tapping message) and I just wanted to say that you're never alone.

Anonymous

#5  31 August 2007 - 12:01

 

and there is, I believe, the theory that when we observe, we affect what we are observing.

mafidl

#6  19 September 2007 - 07:47

 

I was thinking I'd give this to my 12yo daughter and head off years of her figuring it out on her own. But where would be the fun in that?

Also, in the world of people who just "do the right thing" you might want to read "Three Cups of Tea" if you haven't. It's very nearly motivated me to get off my ass and do something. Maybe tomorrow... .

cheers,
'mouse

Anonymous

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